tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
