my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
