So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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