You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
