I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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