i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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