Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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