I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
