the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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