90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
