Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
