She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
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If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
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I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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