on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i dont even know how to be here
She told me I should be a condom model.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
