Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
