i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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