Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
