My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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