I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
