True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My liver just had a heart attack.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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