I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
