when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
