where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
