dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
