I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
