I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
