Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
