Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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