Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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