everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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