If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
no more duck duck goose at the bar
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
