she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Enjoy the penises
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
