if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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