My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
