dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
