shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
