I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
