I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
