I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
