I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.