So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
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I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?