you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
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i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.