your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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