i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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