i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
