I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
