I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
