when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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