I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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