Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
