All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
