If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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