You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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