I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize