wanna go halves on a baby?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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