After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
