if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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