i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
