1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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