i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
