saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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