I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
