Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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