I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
