just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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